I am just curious to hear a guys thoughts, and please be honest! No judgement 
Do you feel like the kids are the moms responsibility? It seems like that in my relationship. I feed them, bath them, get them ready, put them to bed, etc.
What are your thoughts?
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
I think every couple works out an arrangement that works for them. I try not to judge other people's arrangements...
In our house, one child is my responsibility and the other child is my wife's. But we do have childcare for both, so that helps a lot.
What is your arrangement with your kid(s)?
olive / 55 posts
Same here. We tend to divide and conquer with the kids. But there was a time (when I was a stay at home dad) that we divided up the time. I would be taking care of the kids durring the day and Mrs. Jacks would take over in the evening. Now that I am back at work, Mrs. Jacks has taken on a bit more because of our current situation but we still try to divide up the work as evenly as possible
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: I feel like I do everything! I know that isn't true, but that is they way it feels some times. Unless I ask straight out for help, DH kind of just sits back and lets me take over. I do work night shifts though, so there a couple nights a week he has to do everything.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@Rosie Girl: I've noticed that when one parent is doing a lot more than the other, sometimes the "gatekeeper parent" dynamic is in effect?
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1219962,00.html
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: I could see how that would happen. And in the past, DH has made comments about me criticizing his parenting. I now try to make a mental note not too I think the real reason behind it is that he is nervous. This is his first time with an infant (DS was 1 when we started dating). He will put DD in the carseat, then have me buckle her in "because he isn't good at it". I tell him he does it fine, but he insists I do it. I think he is nervous of messing up and then having to take the responsibility/blame.
Were you nervous with Charlie when he was an infant? Did you trust Mrs Bee more than yourself? Is that a guy thing?!
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: I find this kind of interesting too:
A Gatekeeper parent exhibits themselves under the following categories:
...
Does all the organizing, delegating, planning, and scheduling in the home
...
Maybe we naturally fall into these rolls because of the way we were raised. As a child, my mom was the one who "took care of the home" I guess you could say, even though she worked. DH is not organized, therefore I do the bills. He also isn't very clean, so I clean 
I do more of the inside stuff, and him the outside. But that is what we have seen our parents do. So I could see us fall into that kind of relationship of me being the gatekeeper.
Does that make sense? (tonight is one of my nightshifts, and I get off in 2 hrs, so I am kind of loopy!)
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@Rosie Girl: I also ask Bee things to check things that might kill the kids... I just figure, two eyes are better than one.
One thing that might help is to give a lot of positive feedback to your DH:
http://www.hellobee.com/2012/04/30/on-men-and-praise/
Maybe also have your DH take over one ritual at a time, so he can develop confidence in a particular thing? Bath time and or bed time can be a good one to start with...
http://www.hellobee.com/2011/12/27/three-ways-to-counter-a-toddlers-mommy-preference/
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@Rosie Girl: Regarding being clean or not, I believe that cleanliness is a subjective thing. What one person believes is clean enough may be completely unacceptable to the other person.
That doesn't mean the second person is right though? If I was living with Monk (the OCD detective from TV), it would be hard for me to live up to his standard of cleaning. That doesn't mean that I'm wrong; it just means that if he's going to be happy with the house cleanliness, he's either going to have to do it himself or we'll have to hire a cleaning professional.
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: Hahaha! Yeah, when it comes to killing the kids, 2 eyes are probably better than 1
I try to give DH lots of praise. I think you are very right that it will help. I know he does great with the kids because they are both still breathing when I get home in the morn. I think he is maybe intimidated by me? I can change a diaper faster then him.... things like that. I also think maybe he doesn't want the responsibility put on him if the diaper falls off after 10 minutes.
I think I will try to have him take over a ritual. That is a really good idea to help build his confidence in being a dad. I know he can do it
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@Rosie Girl: Yah skill differences can be intimidating. I think a lot of moms can underestimate the cutting effect of just a single piece of feedback.
If the diaper falls off after 10 minutes, do you say something?
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: Very true on being clean! I think he is more along the lines of traditional roles though. I cook, clean, do bills, and he mows, works on the cars, etc.
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: No, I wouldn't say anything if the diaper fell off. Or if I did it would be along the lines of "how in the world can she wiggle out of a diaper so fast?!" therefore putting it on her Houdini skills rather than his inability to do it right.
And you are right. One little comment can make a huge impact. I will try to make sure to praise more then not.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
@Rosie Girl: That dynamic isn't just learned from parents though... sometimes men will retreat into certain activities where they feel safe.
Not saying that's the dynamic in your home though! I have no idea... just sharing one possible dynamic that comes up sometimes.
pear / 1639 posts
@mrbee: I understand! And thank you for sharing that. I learned something new today
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
@mrbee: I just want to say thank you for posting this. I think my life and my husband's life got a little bit easier after I read this because I have been able to let go a little more after reading this.
(I know this is the dad's board, but this is a big deal one that meant a lot to me and I have been thinking about it for weeks.)
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
@mrbee: The part where I am a control freak but hey if I learned this since LO was born.... I should give DH a learning curve on his own, too! I'm no expert!
Plus he has always been better at learning by experience so I had to step away and let him.
We have a really great relationship though, so I know we get along better than a lot of newborns' parents do. And even still it helped!
grapefruit / 4136 posts
@mrbee: I agree. Thanks for your "daddy" insight! I lose patience with DH because he doesn't wash the bottles right away before going to play video games, or he doesn't know how to pack the diaper bag for an all day excursion. He knows I'll do it if he doesn't though, so I need to learn to let go of one thing at a time so he can take responsibility.
olive / 55 posts
I think that all dads should try and stay home with the little ones for a time. 90% of the time when we go out it is me getting the diaper bag ready for the days excursions, and Mrs. Jacks is asking me where everything is in the bag!
grapefruit / 4731 posts
so I just noticed the tab for Dads. Not a dad here but I started reading and this thread is so interesting!
At our house we split the work out kind of interstingly. DH handles the interactions tough stuff, like waking up for feedings, putting DS to bed, waking up in the morning to feed and change DS and driving and picking DS from daycare.
I do the logistics - I pack daiper bags, I am in charge of what to feed DS, I buy/pick out DS's clothes, I buy all the things he needs diapers/food/cold meds, I wash the clothes and I chart everything.
These were sort of roles we fell into, it wasn't really discusses. A lot of people tease us that we are in the opposite roles and a lot of other women have commented how lucky I am to have someone get up in the middle of the night for me.
I'm sure I'm lucky but I feel like this is what we were meant to do. Also I need sleep and I am a heavier sleeper than DH which is why he wakes up for feedings.
It seems like every family is different, and you have to just do what works out for you and your family. Good luck!
Also this was a very interesting topic - I learned about the gatekeeper role and the option of having one parent in charge of one kid.
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